Revised Application Form - For Suitors wishing to date my daughters

[BLUEHAWK]

Application Form - Those wishing to date my daughters

This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a credit report, job history, family genealogy (both sides), DNA sample, current HIV blood test results, fingerprints, MRI, Full-body CAT Scan, FBI report, DD214 (if applicable), proof of Draft Registration, proof of current Immunizations, Dental records (i.e. X-rays), complete copies of your IRS filings for the past 5 (five) years, CIA/DOD/NSA Top Secret Security Clearance, and a current medical report from your personal physician recognized by the AMA who can forward a copy of their License-to-Practise in the State in which you claim to reside.

1. NAME _______________________________ First, last and middle (Aliases and nicknames result in automatic rejection)
DATE OF BIRTH ________________ (You lie, you die)

2. HEIGHT __________ (I intend to take a measurement)

WEIGHT __________ (It had best be the same 50 years from now)

I.Q _______ (Optional)

G.P.A.______ (Optional)

MOTHER'S MAIDEN NAME______________________________________
YOUR PLACE OF BIRTH ______________________________________________

HER PLACE OF BIRTH _______________________________________________


3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________ (Required Field)
DRIVERS LICENSE # __________________ (You'd best have a CURRENT American one!)

4. BOY SCOUT RANK____________ (or)

MILITARY SERVICE BRANCH, YEARS OF SERVICE, JOB TITLE, AND HIGHEST RANK EARNED____________________________________________ ___________________

5. HOME ADDRESS __________________________________

CITY/STATE __________________________ ZIP _________

FATHER'S (OR SURROGATE'S) PHONE______________________

MOTHER'S LAWYER'S NAME AND PHONE_________________________________________

YOUR E-MAIL ADDRESS(ES)_______________________________________ _

GRANDFATHER'S BURIAL PLACE_______________________

6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?_____
If No, EXPLAIN __________________________________________________ _

7. Number of years your parents have been together ______

8. Do you own a van? ______

- A truck with oversized tires? ______

- A waterbed? _______


- Do you have an earring, nose ring, tattoo or belly button ring? ______


- Do you think my daughter would look cute with a matching one?______
~ (If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application.)

9. Assuming you can read and write in American English, in 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?______________________________________________ ___________________
__________________________________________________ _______________

10. In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER!" without her permission mean to you? __________________________________________________ _______________
__________________________________________________ _______________

Do you understand the concept of Statutory Rape?: ______

[For extra credit] Explain what it means: _________________________________

11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?: __________________________________________________ ___________________________


12. Your spiritual practise: ___________________________________ (Best HAVE one, Dude!)

How often do you attend to it?: _______________________________________

13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, siblings and priest/rabbi/minister/mullah/guru/shrink/teachers/best friend/last girlfriend?: _____________ (AM or PM and, Time Zone, please)

14. Answer by filling in the blanks: please answer freely: ALL answers are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone ever, I promise :-)

a) If I were shot, the last place on my body I'd want wounded is my:___________

b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my: _____________


c) A woman's place is: _____________________________________________(Thin k this one over very carefully)

d) The one thing I hope this application doesn't ask me about is:_______________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________________________


e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is her: __________________________________________________ _______________
(NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A" or any derivation thereof, discontinue application)

15. What do you want to be IF you grow up?:__________________________________ (If you exaggerate, I'll know)

16. Have you read and absorbed either or both the KAMA KALPA and KAMA SUTRA?: ___________

17. Do you read books?: _______

18. Ever been to a museum (any kind)?: _______

If so, which kind and where?:___________________________________________

If not, Why Not!:_____________________________________________ ________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE, UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, ATTENDING A NATIONAL POLITICAL CONVENTION TORTURE, AND HILLARY CLINTON/NEWT GINGRICH/JESSE JACKSON/OJ SIMPSON/MINISTER FARAKHAN/OSAMA BIN LADEN/SADDAM HUSSEIN/JABBA THE HUT/TEDDY KENNEDY KISS TORTURES.

________________________________________ Signature

________________________________________ Printed Name

(Name, printed AND WRITTEN legibly...That means your name and signature, moron)


Thank you for your interest in my daughter(s). You don't get them unless and until I say you get them, no matter what they say.

Please allow four to six years for processing.

You might be notified in writing if you are approved.

Please do not try to call or write me or them, ever. They, and they alone, choose whom they wish to be with... which is why there must be this stupid questionnaire. Dads have certain special duties. We will carry them out.

If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases, or will have to swing in the wind unless and until you prove yourself in accordance with the above guidelines, personally, to me, or they assure me that you have done so.

Sir Blue

[revwardoc]

LOVE IT! I've sent this on to some friends with young daughters. They'll love it, too!

[SparrowHawk62]

Must have front teeth, not tooth.

[BLUEHAWK]

Carry on.

[Jerry D]

good one Blue

[BLUEHAWK]

One of my first cousins is a DA in SoCal, and she urged us to add that the guy must include a copy of his Probation/Parole record, plus affidavits from ALL formers wives and girlfriends.

Not too sure about the latter