Afternoon Humor

[Keith_Hixson]

BobK goes into this bar and sits down. Shortly a man dressed as a Cowboy comes in and sets down beside him. The man ask if he is really a cowboy and he says, " I live for herding cattle, I think about riding horses all day, horses and herding cattle is on my mind 24 hrs day, I'm a real cowboy." Next comes a woman and sits down beside him and he asks her how things are going and she says, " All think about is women, all I want to be with is women, 24 hrs a day all I have on my mind is women, I'm a Lesbian." BobK thinks for a second and says, "Hmmmm, guess I'm a Lesbian too."

[DeadlyDaring]

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER :
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

[77 Freedom]

Here ya go

A bloke's wife goes missing while holidaying on the West Australian
coast
while they were diving. He spends a terrible night wondering what could
have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is
confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger
Constable.

The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some
really bad news, but, some good news and maybe some really good news".

"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad new first?"

The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bill
here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the
reef.
He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit
of a
turn. After a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the
good
news is.

The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few
really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her
wetsuit,
so we've brought you your share." He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a
couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

"Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all
that... Now, what's the really good news?

"Well", the Sarge says, "me and young Bill here get off duty at around
11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!....you
fancy comin' with us?"

[77 Freedom]

Three bikers die and meet in heaven. They are standing before God.
"Here in heaven your faithfullness to your wife in life determines what motorcycle you'll ride here in heaven"said God.
So the first biker says"I must confess I was unfaithful to my wife many times".
So God gives him a 1975 Sportster in really bad condition. After several attempts to start it the first biker chugs away.
The second biker says"Lord, I was unfaithful to my wife only once".
So God gives him a 1980 Kawi Z750 in good condition.
The third biker says"As for me I was never unfaithful to my wife".
He gets a brand new Triumph Rocket III and off he goes. A few days later the first two bikers are riding along and spot the third sitting on the side of the road crying like there's no tomorrow. They stop and the first says,"what in the world is wrong? You're in heaven riding the best bike on the planet and you're crying!"
The third biker looks up and sniffles"I just saw my wife ride by on a unicycle!"

[revwardoc]

A husband and wife are shopping when the man picks up a case of beer and puts it into the shopping cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he says.

"Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife and they continue shopping.

A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it into the cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the man.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says.

The man replies.... "SO DOES 24 CANS OF BEER AND IT'S HALF THE PRICE."

[reeb]

The Cop and the Navy Chief
A police officer pulls a Navy Chief over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Navy Chief Petty Officer: I don't have one. It was suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Navy Chief: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?
Navy Chief: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Navy Chief: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!
Navy Chief: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.
The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Navy Chief: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?
Navy Chief: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Navy Chief: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Navy Chief: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it.
The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Navy Chief: Yeah, and I'll bet the liar said that I was speeding, too.

[SuperScout]

One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.

On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the best of me, & I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator.

'Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?'

'Yes,' she said. 'They 're retired prostitutes, and they're having a yard sale.

[Keith_Hixson]

She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:
Dear Grand-daughter:

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else lo ves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, And
then he leaned out of his window and screamed, For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO! What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started Waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger Stuck up in the air. I asked one of my older friends in the back seat what that meant. She said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window And gave him t he good luck sign right back.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is When I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma

[DeadlyDaring]

A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian chief, asked the significance of the varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses.

"Feathers show number of sexual partners," the chief replied.

Indicating a nearby young brave, he continued, "Him? One woman, one feather. Him?" pointing to a second, older man, "Three women, three feathers."

The reporter looked at the Chief's headdress. "But you have so many feathers!"

The Chief proudly slapped his chest. "Me Chief. Sleep with all women. Big, small, fat, tall."

Horrified, the female reporter said, "You ought to be hung!"

The Chief said, "Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake."

The offended reporter said, "You don't have to be hostile!"

The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style!"

The reporter cried, "Oh, dear!"

"No deer", said the Chief. "Ass too high, run too fast!"

[DeadlyDaring]

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
'Heavens no, we bought it.'
'Then why don't you drive it away.'
'We can't drive.'
'Then why did you buy it?'
'We were told that if we bought a used car here, we'd get screwed, so we're just waiting.'