Daily Humor

[reeb]

I hate to the bearer of bad news, but there is a new terrorists out there.

http://watchersweb.com/funnyfarm/21710f.htm

enough..........

[SparrowHawk62]

Southern Survivor

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, several Southern TV stations are joining together to do their own, entitled Survivor,
Southern Style."

The contestants will start in Alabama, travel over to Georgia and on to South Carolina. From there they will head up to North Carolina and up thru Virginia over to Tennessee. They will then proceed down to Mississippi and Louisiana, finally ending up back in Alabama.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with New Jersey license plates and large bumper stickers that read: I'm Gay; I'm a Vegetarian; NASCAR Sucks; Go Yankees!; Smoking is for Idiots; Hillary in 2004; Deer Hunting is Murder; and I'm Here to Confiscate Your Guns!

The first one that makes it back to Montgomery alive, wins.

[SparrowHawk62]

Why Rednecks Are Not Paramedics

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when Bubba suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.

Billy Bob whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence... and then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"

[revwardoc]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of moneybetween them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence.

Murphy said, "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all."

Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints ofGuinnessand two glasses of Jamieson whisky.

Shamus said, "Now you've lost it.

Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got anymoney!!"

Murphy replied with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!" They downed their drinks.

Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go onyour knees and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk allforfree.

At the tenth pub, Shamus said, "Murphy, I don't think I can do anymoreo'this. Me knees are killin' me!"

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the thirdpub."

[reeb]

Sparrowhawk,

That was good about the redneck, but here is what they really do.

http://watchersweb.com/funnyfarm/21675f.htm

enough..........

[SparrowHawk62]

Originally posted by reeb Sparrowhawk,

That was good about the redneck, but here is what they really do.

http://watchersweb.com/funnyfarm/21675f.htm

enough..........

OUCH!

[colmurph]

Revwardoc.....you owe me a new keyboard! I was drinking a beer when I read about Murphy. PRICELESS!

[SparrowHawk62]

Why Men Are Just Happier People -

What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental -- $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood -- all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier!

[SparrowHawk62]

20 Ways To Keep Your Insanity

1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in."

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation marks.

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.

17. When money comes out of the ATM, scream, "I won! I won! Third time this week!!!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running toward the parking lot yelling, "run for your lives, they're loose!"

19. Tell your children over dinner, "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

20. Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or asked you not to send them stuff like this.

[revwardoc]

Colmurph,

Sorry about your keyboard. By the way, are you two related? ;-)